She’s got a baby inside…

I want to discuss a recurring dream that I’ve had every 2-3 months several times now.  I am giving birth. In the last dream I had, it was triplets. But I’ve also dreamed of twins and single babies. In the dream, the sensations – of feeling the baby inside my belly, of pushing the infant through my birth canal – are very vivid.  However, giving birth is never painful. I never remember much about actually MEETING the babies – what they look like or how I feel or what I say or anything. My main memories of the dreams are the childbirth process (unrealistic as it may be – I’ve heard it kinda hurts!) and discussing possible names with my husband. It’s kind of funny, in the dreams, the subject of the baby name comes up very suddenly, as though we had never thought about it until then!  Like we’re caught off guard trying to figure out what to name the kid. But the dreams are always very pleasant, I am very happy to become a mother in them, and I wake up and have that “mommy itch” for WEEKS after the dream.

Ah, the mommy itch, as I have dubbed it. I’ve had it before, but lately it has gotten to making more frequent and intense visits. I walk into my home after work and greet my 2 cats as “babies”. “Hi little babies!” “Oh I wuv my wittle babies!”.  I look at Facebook, read the statuses of mothers and expectant mothers with a crazy excitement. I look at photos of pregnant friends of mine. Try to imagine what it feels like to have life fluttering inside your tummy. I practically drool at baby photos. I gleefully watch videos of small kids doing cute things on the internet.

Oh, the horror! Only six months ago, I would rather die than have to deal with some screaming kid. Now all I see is the love between parents and children, and want to feel that kind of connection. I want to love something more than myself.


7 Responses

  1. Sigh… I’m caught between wanting to sound like a good mother and wanting to warn you. I mean, dude… you may be so happy living paycheck to paycheck trying to keep a baby in daycare and deal with illnesses and buy clothes and diapers or school supplies and take family trips and shit. You may not want anything more than that in the whole world and it might make you completely content and fulfilled.

    But I know it’s already hard for you to save money now, and I know you have something in you that wants to see the world, or at least other parts of this country. That’s the only thing, is there are so many things I wanted to do and see before I had kids and now if I’m EVER able to afford them, it will be a long, long time from now.

    I’m not saying you’re seriously considering having a baby anyway, but I felt the need to address the itch more than the dream. If pain were the only thing about it, I’d totally tell you to go for it. Pain is short-lived. Raising humans is forever.

    The way that it affects your waking life to this extent and the fact that you actually do want to have a baby – at least some emotional part of you – makes me think this may be one of those dreams that truly is what it is. Oh Corvus, where are you when I need you?? Help us interpret!

  2. No way this is about having a real child; sounds more about your marriage in the face of your own needs and desires.

  3. I thought Corvus replied to this. And I came to reply to his reply, and it’s gone… ??

  4. Ok, there it is. Alrighty then Corvus, tell me how you would come to that conclusion. Or ask Lou some questions or something… that is, IF she wants to explore it.

    If you’re right, it could stop the itch.

  5. Thanks for the comments… (including your last gchat, Thelma).

    Before everyone runs over to crush up birth control pills into my food, I want you to understand that the itch is just that – an itch. A tickle, even. I KNOW I am in no position to be a mother right now, financially or emotionally. The itch I have to become a mother is thankfully not strong enough for it to override my common sense.

    Corvus, your theory is definitely sound, and while I’d like to go into more detail, I promised my husband after an incident a year ago that I would keep our problems private…

  6. “Before everyone runs over to crush up birth control pills into my food,” LOL, you so funny.

    That troubles me somewhat, though Lou, the “keeping our troubles private” part. You’ve always been the type of person who easily questions her own wants and needs because of some fear of being a bad person, a bad wife, a “bitch”. It bothers me that you can’t share anything with your friends because then you get no validation or support … but it doesn’t have to be over the internet, and it doesn’t have to be with one of us. Just please consider talking to someone about stuff. It may be no big deal, but little things can pile up or become big things when you stuff them. If you don’t have anyone you trust that much and you’re saving money for NYC so you can’t go to counseling (understandable), then at LEAST journal some stuff out. Everyone needs to vent every now and then!

    Also, I’ve seen a lot of abusive relationships, a lot. And I’m not accusing your husband of being an abuser or of intentionally controlling you, but that is a huge part of a controlling and abusive relationship – manipulating the other party into not discussing problems between the two by convincing them that talking to their friends about it would be a betrayal. Come on, that’s someone everyone does and has a right to.

    Like I said, it doesn’t have to be here and it doesn’t have to be us, but talk to someone.

  7. Namaste

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